Economic and Psychological Depression

I'm often thinking about how the state of the world is developing and I don't like it. It seems like the economy keeps doing worse, and that I have been born into a time where the average person is just destined to go through hardships, and perhaps never buy a house. Maybe with some inheritance money I can. It feels like there is a current or looming economic depression, and the only thing keeping everyone from freaking out is that the rich haven't started freaking out. However that seems to be because their wealth and well-being are so detached from ours that they could really care less whether the average Joe, Jill or Jane has enough money to eat. It makes me feel ignored. Everyone around me is starting to see it now, and one might think that would be comforting in a way. I guess it is, I prefer that to everyone carrying on ignorant, but nobody seems to have any hope either. It's not like we're going to come together and fix the world. It doesn't seem like we will, anyway.
Each day I wake up and I'm faced with the fact that I have to survive until the next time I go to sleep, and it makes me not want to get up. As I write this I'm in my bed, procrastinating just that. It feels like things I used to love just don't bring me happiness like they used to. I feel unmotivated to do anything. Even though I understand that the way to get out of this funk is to do things that make me happier/ give me purpose, I just can't get myself to do them. In the end I will just slide back to being depressed so why try to struggle against it? Why shouldn't I just rot and wait for the world to descend into madness? Maybe if/when society collapses I will get a new lease on life.
I don't want to be like this. I want to pull myself out but it all just seems so hopeless. I want to be happy in spite of the circumstances. It would be fun to be unstoppable like that, but it seems like the only way for me to be happy for long enough is to forget the circumstances. The flavor of denial is not tasty. However trying to get myself to feel things while I'm the way I am currently only results in anger and despair. And I want my boobs to be bigger, but that's mostly unrelated to everything else I'm talking about. I just want big honkin zonkers you feel me? And I want my hair to grow faster because cutting it for FFS and the resulting emotional fallout has been simply grueling. Though it was definitely worth it, my quality of life is a good deal higher since I can look in the mirror and like what I see.

I Still Want To Live, I Think

There is plenty that I would like to do still. I would like to go to Brazil. Maybe write/create a comic book. In general I'm just unsatisfied with the mark I've left on the world thus far (it's fancy because I said thus far instead of so far). Whatever, probably will not leave a significant impact on humanity before dying, just statistically speaking. It's not extremely important to me that I become a historical figure, but it's something I've dreamt about since I was a kid. Especially when I'd find people I could relate to in history. What really disturbs me is the idea that I might not even leave a mark on a small group of people. I may never create something with a life of its own that goes on without me. I'm talking about things like family, community, ideas, concepts, art, infrastructure to some degree even. It would be dope as fuck to build a house/shelter for others, for example. Maybe even a recipe that gets passed down and improved upon. Maybe the funniest joke somebody has heard. I don't know.
Hoping this bout of depression ends soon. Usually they go away on their own after some time. This one is pretty consistent though, probably because of my living situation. Suburb Hell, I preferred living downtown even though that meant car exhaust in my window and building-shaking music every weekend night. I was closer to food sources, stores to get supplies for various activities, etc. Now I am only near to houses and roads. Doesn't feel like it'll get better, but the only way to find out is to wait and see.

Anyway, see you next time,
~Bone🦴